Stretched thin
Lately my creative drive has dwindled to nothing. I haven't even unpacked my crafting things since the move. I find myself exasperated with personal relationships. As much as I love my friends, I just find it hard to hold a conversation or be polite. All I want to do is go in a room, by myself, in the dark, and be nothing.
It's derivative of Buddhist and Taoist spirituality- to focus on a thought, rhythm, or object in nature. To empty one's self, to become an observer, to blend. I just want to sit on my bed as the sun rises, to watch the world raise itself out of gray and into brightness. I want to focus all of my existence on a single point, thought, word, prose, until I'm taught and vibrating, until my soul is ready to sing again.
I'm just exhausted, and it's become such a constant state that I hate to even blog about it anymore. As if you all want to know when I haven't been getting enough sleep or the husband and I have been fighting. What, hasn't this been happening in three month cycles since I started blogging? Pbbbbbbttt.... (that's the raspberry sound.)
I think I need to write. I negotiated with my husband for three hours a week outside of the house with the shiny new laptop, and since I'm a verbal processor I can just pour myself into a story. I've been craving time to write, rehearsing storylines in my head, I've come up with a few ideas I like. I tried my hand at short stories and I think it's just not in me. I don't do short. Everyone tells me they'd make better novellas.
And then there's the dark and the silence. My husband is back on summer hours at work, which means he leaves the house at a quarter to five. I've been getting up then, even though it's two hours before the kids will wake, and just sitting on the bed. In the silence. Being nothing.
I know it may sound scary to those who don't practice it- but it's good. It's really good.
My Groups
-
RIS Updated: 23 minutes ago
-
Things on Tuesday Updated: 37 minutes ago
-
Legends in our own minds... Updated: Yesterday
Neighborhood
Explore friends, family, friends & family, or entire neighborhood.
Comments
Much of what you mentioned is how I've been feeling, too -- all I can do is let the layer of troubles peel back and drop away. It takes time, and the knowledge that there's a good center.
((hugs)) I know how you are feeling.....I go there from time to time. They are rough, but they too pass. I found it neat that you talked about Buddhism....did you ever study? I have done a lot of studying, reading and emersing myself in Buddhism for years now.
But I know, wanting that alone time and silence and peace....I know it all too well
I have studied Buddhism. I read the book "the Gentle Heart" which is a transcript of the Dalai Lama speaking at a Christian prayer conference, and after that I became really interested in Buddhist practices. I'm still very much a Christian, but over time I'm becoming a hybrid. I think all traditions have a lot to learn from listening to each other. No one gets it right all the time, and no one is *completely* wrong.
(((HUGS))) it's okay.
Tomorrow. But no worries--I do not at all mind when my birthday is extended. :) It makes me feel special. And thank you--you totally didn't need to do that. :)
Do you still have my old address? It's the exact same address except the apartment number is 407 instead of 809. (If you don't, PM me and I'll send you the rest.) :)
so beautifully put Shush now!!! I am very eclectic when it comes to spirituality....I have had experiences with Buddhism and past lives, I hav also had experiences with shamanism and "nature" spirits (I am very open about all of it...please ask if you want to hear my stories :o)
your comment reminds me of what Chris Rock said in that movie "Dogma" - Rufus: He (God) still digs humanity, but it bothers Him to see the shit that gets carried out in His name - wars, bigotry, televangelism. But especially the factioning of all the religions. He said humanity took a good idea and, like always, built a belief structure on it.
Bethany: Having beliefs isn't good?
Rufus: I think it's better to have ideas. You can change an idea. Changing a belief is trickier. Life should malleable and progressive; working from idea to idea permits that. Beliefs anchor you to certain points and limit growth; new ideas can't generate. Life becomes stagnant.
sounds like you need some time to recharge your batteries! taking time for yourself with your laptop to write or just be by yourself sound great. for me, sleep is what i crave when i start to become a bit of a monster.
cheers for your writing and relaxing!
Shushie, your creativity isn't dormant, it's just not manifesting in the ways you might want. You're not writing novels, but just about every day you write brilliantly and passionately about topics that matter to you, be they political or religious or familial. As a result, you have hundreds of people who read your work. You make people think, feel, react. You work within your church, trying to improve its mission. You pray for people you don't even know. You are raising two little children, and you just moved into a new home. Without creativity, you wouldn't be able to do any of these things well, much less all of them.
It's great that you negotiated your three hour weekly writing escape. I wish you well. I also hope that during your morning darkness, you allow yourself to see how beneficial your gifts already are to people in general, and to me specifically.
The movie, that is.
Just wanted to say that.